lovely friday afternoon, christmas eve, and christmas day.

…i think i’m in love. <3

he’s not perfect. but he’s genuinely sweet and brightens my days. it’s been so long since i’ve smiled like this. thank you for coming into my life.

a few months ago, i didn’t think i’d make it. i was so unhappy.

i can’t say i’m completely okay, but i am grateful and blessed. i’ve been blessed with a job that i do not have proper qualifications for through passion. i’m starting off part-time and will turn full time in a few months with proper coursework, but i’m grateful because it works out with my other part-time gig and impending classes. i’ve met a tall, handsome, & talented guy that has been there for me through some of my toughest times. my friends are always there for me through thick and thin. my parents have made sure i stay healthy through it all. 

i’m sitting at home, drinking black coffee + eating yummy macarons + watching korean dramas. 

..and i think everything’s going to be just fine =)

i start orientation for my new job tomorrow. 

what a blessing!!!!!

..almost2012.

so. change of plans for the coming year. i might change my plans again, i dont know. but for now, no Korea. I will be looking for a full-time position here in the states..and going back to school for another Masters. 

tentative plans.

cupcakes. candles. iced green tea. <3

..and the sandwich bag full of melatonin at the right hand corner. lol.

i sincerely wish the best for the people i love. when i care, i genuinely care. 

i can’t stand seeing the people i care about going through hard times. i don’t know what’s worse.. going through hard times myself or seeing others go through them.

i really wish i wasn’t feeling like this.
i don’t know if i’m too scared or too lazy to be open to anything new.
but for the 10 brief seconds, the hug made me feel a sense of comfort that i haven’t felt for a long time. that i had forgotten existed.
his heavily tattooed arms were so freaking warm.

i’m scared of my own feelings.

i am not Buddhist. 
but my yoga instructor told us this quote at the end of class & i found it beautiful and relevant:

“What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday and our present thoughts build our life tomorrow. Our life is the creation of our mind.” -Buddha

perfect sunday.

rain. cold weather. vinyasa yoga class in the morning. a cup of hot tazo ‘zen’ tea. church sermon on investing in the Lord. cleaning + listening to podcasts. warm blankets, drinking hot chocolate, and reading. 

love.

더 넛츠 '사랑의 바보' 노래 가사 중에서..

“난 바보니깐 괜찮아
아무리 아프게 해도 못 느껴
내 걱정 하지 마
못났대도 할 수 없어
나를 자랑스레 여길 분께 가끔 미안해진데도 
기꺼이 난 그녈 위한 바보로 살래”…………………………

round trip tickets to Turkey are so cheap right now. 

Turkey is the one place i absolutely HAVE TO travel in my lifetime. i’ve always loved Turkey the way others love France or Japan for various reasons.

i’m so close to just buying the round trip ticket without making plans. ughhhh.

i will ponder this over some yummy thai food and black coffee. 

to do list this week:
-clean my room
-order the chinese book + audiotapes
-write christmas cards to people in korea.
-go to yoga

things i’m loving by bomiyah featuring knit scarves

(Source: http://www.polyvore.com/things_im_loving/set?.embedder=2643593&.svc=tumblr&id=38965164)

i have been praying about my parents’ marriage these days. there’s no real problem or anything..they are not nearing anything close to a divorce, and on the outside, everything seems fine.
however, although i have never been married before, i do know that marriage should be more intimate than what my parents have. they went through a somewhat arranged marriage..and their personalities clash. my mom is more talkative, childlike, reminiscent of a teenager that desires warmth..she was quite popular back in the days and worked as a DJ for a club in her younger years….. while my dad is serious, works hard, ranked #1 in his class and has never dated anyone before my mom.

more often than not, my mom’s been lonely and my dad’s been oblivious and sometimes annoyed.

so~ i wrote emailed this letter to my dad during the day:

아빠 나야.
다름 아니고 그냥 엄마랑 아침에 골프 9홀도 한번식 돌고, 밥도 먹으로 다니고, 일요일날 교회갔다와서 아빠 골프치로 갈때 엄마도 운동하러 갈꺼면 차 같이타고 그러면 좋을거 같아서 메일 보내. 요즘 엄마가 외로워해. 엄마가 잔소리 할때도 많고 작은거 가지고 심하게 말하고 그래도 주변에 엄마는 집에 있으면서 아는사람도 많이 없으니까 아빠가 가끔식 9홀 돌자고 하던가 일요일날 엄마도 갈꺼냐고 물어봤으면 좋겠어. 누가 시켜서 이메일 쓰는게 아니고 내가 엄마 나두고 내년에 한국가는게 안편해서 그냥 둘이 아주 다정한 사이 아니라도 1주일에 한번은 같이 골프정도는 다니고 그랬으면 좋겠어. TV볼때 말도 시키고. 
그럼 회사에서 수고하셈.

 annnnnd— i’m so happy that my dad was receptive. he came home and made more small talk with my mom and really put in effort. i know my email to him may wear out soon, but it’s a small step. my small efforts will not change anything for the long run, but i know that with prayer, God will bless my parents. 

but thank you Jesus for my parents’ receptiveness.. and although it will take continuous effort, please bless them!

why i am going (needing) back to korea.

- i am a bad driver. i cannot park. i love walking + public transportation.
- i’m socially awkward in the states, but when i’m in korea, all the confidence returns.
- i hate cooking. i don’t want to learn either. eating out in korea is cheap and healthy.
- my friends would never refer to me as korean-american. i’m straight up fob.
- my korean is almost as good as my English, and it really shouldn’t be.
- i hate working for white bosses. i hate working amongst white people. i’d rather work like a slave than make small talk and engage in social networking.
- did i already mention, i hate social networking. 
- and speaking of socializing, i cannot socialize with people here. whether it’s church or a gathering, socializing doesn’t work. but the minute i’m in korea, i am a social butterfly. i can lift my face and actually make friends.
- people in korea have no manners. i do not need to say “excuse me” to everyone going in and out of the subway. we just all crash into each other and it’s really not a big deal.
- bargaining is common, and i am the master of bargaining. i find joy in getting good deals.
- haircuts will never cost more than $20 max. facials will never cost more than $30. the best part, no tipping.
- i love teaching korean students. they are already motivated by family. in America, there’s a lack of money + motivation in the education system. parents love blaming everything on the schools. i’m sorry, but as much as i’d like to say i’ll make a difference.. it’s not going to happen. the American education system is f***ed probably forever.
- i am not a minority in korea. 
- customer service is spectacular in korea. just a few days ago, i had to tell the bagging lady at costco to not squish my bread loaves with cold orange juice. then she rolled her eyes and i had to ask if i should call for the manager. only then did i get an apology out of her.
- i don’t belong here. that’s probably a good enough reason. 

i love my new bag. it looks plain, but it holds EVERYTHING. books, journal, makeup bag, water bottle…and it doesn’t look overstuffed. YAY.

i’m too sleepy to write in detail or coherence, but i wanted to get something down to clearly remember this experience in the future.

For my birthday, God revealed to me how incomprehensibly great his love is and how precious i am to him despite what the world may think. I am so thankful for his love. I am so thankful that my family + close friends are saved—and at the same time ashamed for having taken this for granted. 

I do not know why God loves such an insignificant nobody like me, but i do know that his love is greater than anything and i am soooooooooo happy. im too sleepy to write coherently so i go ~

my heart does a little plop when i get hired for a position that i’d really enjoy…but can’t accept because of health reasons+long working hours.

God’s really humbling me. 

but he is good, and he only wants THE BEST for me.

and that’s all that really should matter. i mean i am currently working part-time jobs that perfectly fit with my current conditions. i am thankful.

thank you God for this time in my life and for taking care of me. =)

...

언제쯤이면 그사람을 깨끗히 잊을수 있을까.

그사람 때문에 힘들어하는거 그만하고싶어.

나중에.. 아주 나중에.. 만약 하나님의 뜻이라면..난 어려운 나라들을 여행하면서 학교 짓고 아이들 가르치면서 살고싶다. 그리구 학교안에 교회도 새울수 있다면 얼마나 좋을까. 

막 이런생각 드는 틈에서 부모님 반대..미국생활..한국생활.. 등등 걸린다.

내가 여행하는거 좋아하는것. 교육자격증 따게된것. 여길 떠나고 싶은 마음. 뭔가 크게 일 벌리고 싶은 마음. 하나님을 위해서 뭔가 하고싶은것. 다 무슨 의미가 있다고 생각해. 

지금은 머리도 복잡하고..뭐 돈도 없으니 어디가서 학교새운다는게 지금 현실적으로 말도 안되고. 또 나 혼자 뭘하겟다고 주변에서 손짓할테고. 

지금은 아니다. 기도해야 돼. 답이 나올때까진 주워진 삶 열심히! 

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzxyiZAvV3I?wmode=transparent&autohide=1&egm=0&hd=1&iv_load_policy=3&modestbranding=1&rel=0&showinfo=0&showsearch=0&w=500&h=374]

이노래 들으면서 뜨거운 눈물을 얼마나 흘렸는지. 
너무나도 나태해져있었던 나.
그래도 그분은 날 받아주신다. 가만히 있어도 저를 부르시는분.

제가 감히 주님을 사랑합니다. 자격없지만, 아무것도 아닌..수십번 죄를 짓는 제가 감히 당신을 사랑합니다. 

(Source: http://www.youtube.com/)